Nov 2, 2007

Aphroducky ain't the only nervous chick in town...

Today... well today was on fast forward all day. And I have no idea why.

Maybe it was the fact that every single person in the area I sit in had to pack up all their belongings and be out by 3:00PM for the movers to come and, well move them. I was one of two people who did not hve to move. This, just so you know, occurs about every 5-6 months.

Or maybe it was the sound of the window-caulking guys outside sawing out the old caulking (which was very loud), and putting new caulking in its place.

Maybe it was the sound of people throwing old parts.. very large and LOUD parts into the bins that they just happened to put around my desk.

Or maybe it was all of these things and the fact that I had 6 hour-long conference calls and everyone on the line asking me if I was somewhere in Iraq. Apparently it sounded like I was phoning in from the front lines.

Somehow I managed to be done with work and not once leave my chair.

And in a sick way.. I sort of love these types of days. But not today. I was not wanting it to be the weekend already. I have this full sense of nerves in my belly. It feels like a pit... a void of uncertainty.

So why my sense of nervousness?

*sigh* I am still nervous about the swim tomorrow.

I know, I know... I am a COMPLETE dork and I should not be nervous at all. I will even go as far as to list all of the reasons that this pit should not exist, but somehow there is lies.

I guess it is inevitable with me. I get into certain situations and I just feel nervous.

Are they going to like me? *bites nails*

Are they going to laugh at me and my blue swim-cap (with matching blue
goggles)? *bites nails*

Aare they going to even acknowledge that I exist? *bites nails*

Are they going to wonder how I have forward motion given that I have a lot of
boyancy *cough*large-chested*cough*?

I really wish that these questions were the source of the pit. But they re not.

After talking with Mike about it, I sort of let the real reason slip out. The real reason is more embrassing than the irrational fear itself...

**DISCLAIMER** This is getting pretty long... so if you are in a bad mood you better stop right here and come back tomorrow for the post on how much Saturday AM swims rock. ;)

I have lost 60lbs off of my 5' 8.5" frame over the past 4 years. I am not fat... I am just not elite looking either. I am normal. Hey - did I just see you roll your eyes at me? Not fair! Relly - give me a chance to explain!

Meeting up with the RBFers the first time in Arizona this past January I had this same nervousness I am feeling today.

I am a runner. I have the medals and certificates and hundreds of races under my belt to prove just that. Ergo RunnerGirl.

<--- St. Paddys Day with Mike's friend Mike J

Me and my friend Par --->
But I do not look like your typical runner. In reality - there is no typical runner... just stereotypical. I know this. Really, really I do.

I think this residual complex is a fat girl looking through a normal girl's eyes.

So, as I walked up to the agreed upon meeting place two night's before PF Chang' RNR AZ Half Marathon... I was sweaty nervous. LIke blind date nervous. Like meeting Mike's parents for the first time nervous. These people are runners... when they look at me, wht will they see? Will they doubt my abilities or identity because I do not look like them?

Like I said I am a dork. ;) And please stop rolling your eyes. lol...

Of course things went well, and now all these months later I still talk to Denise on the phone and we get together when I am in Chicago, and Pat is still a great person who I stalk regularly, and he knows we are hanging out when I get back to AZ. ;) But I stalk with love, Pat. **pounds chest** you go on with your bad self!

So why do I still see this out of shape couch potato looking back at me? I don't. But I am afraid that someone else will.

I think, and honestly I do apologize for the lengthy analytical girly post here, that my irrational fears and self-doubts are not aimed at the current me. I think that my mind is still stuck in fat-lazy-assed Jenniferlyn of 2001.

So that is my fear. Not swimming. Not running. Not biking. Not even meeting new people, per say.

I guess in a way I am afraid that if I ever stop moving I will go back to being that other girl. I am afraid of sloth and the easy road. I am afraid of not working hard enough and not having faith in myself.

I think one of the main things I need to work on during my base building adventure is going to have to be perception of my current self.

I am taking a stand and saying it loud to myself -

"Jenniferlyn AKA Runnergirl Never judge a book by it's cover. You are everything that you put your mind to. And the only motion that counts in the end... is forward motion. So just keep moving forward!"

A very happy Jenn witha very happy Mike after a few martinis

So with that load off of my chest - I bid you ado until tomorrow when I will recap the swim meetup with FAST. ;)

Goodnight everyone!

})i({ RG


Mike said...

Good luck. Have a great swim. Sure you'll be fine. Look forward to reading the post on how it went :)

Nat said...

1. I have an irrational fear of drowning so good on you for swimming. I swin, it's just a very pathetic kind of thing.

2. I think if you look around races and events, you'll see runners in all shapes and sizes. I know someone who finished a marathon when she weighed 300 lbs! (I know you know that...) I also know it's hard from one of the more buoyant runners out there. I will never be itty bitty.. all I can be is me. Just some days me is hard.


Jess said...

Hope the swim went well!

Patricia said...

Boy you sound just like me :) I was almost physically sick driving to my first swim with the club...

You'll be fine..... can't wait to hear all about it :)

Unknown said...

Oh COME ON, Jenn! I had no idea you were that nervous when we met back in January. We ended up having a great time before the HM.

You are your own person. You have the confidence to press on and keep the motivation going. Go girl go!

Doug said...

1. No :).
2. Maybe.
3. For $2.00, yes.
4. No comment (don't want to get into trouble)

You can't drown at Schoolcraft, there is a life guard, about 30 to 40 other swimmers, with about 6 just in your lane, and guess what... the pool is only 4 to 4.5 feet deep, so guess what STAND UP! You might drink some water, but air is right nearby :).

Well, missy, I wear a blue swim cap as well. But I can tell you, even without meeting you yet, that my blue swim cap IS cooler then your blue swim cap :P.

Jenniferlyn said...

DOug you are so WRONG!!

My blue swim cap rocks. ;)

Well then next weekend we shall see who's rules the pool!

Doug said...

Oh ok, 22 inch spinning rims and all rocks :P.