Mar 3, 2007

Coming clean... with myself.

I am completely aware that my weight loss could very well all be waterloss... but so far I am 9 lbs down. Being sick helped me there as I did a few days of Jello only, and now I am eating smaller helpings of foods I would normally eat, which as it turns out are what most people consider an approriate portion size!

I have cut out most carbs, obviously I still consume them for runs, but in everyday eating I am better off without them. I was a devout vegetarian for the past few years, and found out that my body is so carbohydrate in-efficient that I needed to get back to eating animal proteins and meats again.

I am able to eat meat again, mainly poultry/fowl and fish/seafood.

I drop weight easily when I cut down on my carbs. I just need to find the balance where once I have met my weight los goals, how many carbs can I intake and not gain, nor loose any more weight. Once I get to that stage, I will be one happy camper!

So I am not putting much stock into my nearly 10lbs weight loss so far. My body always drops weight quickly in the beginning. I have been hydrating like mad, taking my multi-vitamin, and eating mostly salad veggies and chicken in MUCH smaller portions that I normally would.

That has been a major issue for me, portion control. For me it was never about weight or appearance as I was a size 6 with a killer rack (lol). For me it was about control. Control over my life.
I know that I am a binger. It gets to a point when I literally CANNOT stop eating. But that all stems from emotional eating

I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the past 5 months or so. I have come to a point, the apex if you will. My sole desire now is to get better, and in order to abolish this BED, I have had to confront all anger inside me, confront all sadness inside me, and really confront what my issues are. In engineering we call this root cause analysis.

Well I did that. The culmination was my freak out last Saturday night. I had finally gotten so many things off of my chest! It felt wonderful to finally just get it all out in the open. I let out my feelings, so I could finally deal with them.

And the amazing thing, I no longer look at food for comfort, because I am healing myself through friendhips that are true, and bringing the unconditional back into love. Now whenever I see something that even a mere week ago I really would not have thought twice about shoving in my face, I am not even tempted. I am facing all the things that I do not like about myself, and finally doing things about them. I am taking the power out of my insecurities. I am empowering myself in the precess.

Please know that I am not denying myself anything, but I am simply not wanting any of it. I think that I have actually taken the power away from food. It is fuel, not emotional healing. I really need to remember that.

It feels good to finally face all of my demons, all of the things that I have let hold me back. It feels good to come clean with myself and look forward as a new day approaches. I am now actually looking forward! I feel no need to reflect on the past me, as I know that that me was hurt so badly in her life. The forward thinking me is grateful for the friends she has now, and looks forward to getting her life back on track.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Jenn, I am an emotional eater too. I am SO guilty that it's SOOOO sad. I am glad that you recognize and are facing it. I would talk to your doctor or a dietician about your concerns with the weight loss. I think it might help out.