May 11, 2007

Deja Vu... I have been here before.

A funny thing happens when you start reflecting on your past. You realize that sometimes revisionist history has taken a hold of what really happened, and replaced it with things you thought happened.

My revisionist history goes back to day 1!

Last night I had the brilliant idea as I lay in bed to read through my old running logbooks. Of course I never finished one, I think the best I did was 1 or 2 consecutive weeks of entry, but hey I could learn something, right? What I found were literally 1 or two week sof consecutive junk miles - little data at all. That in itself left me feeling a little robbed.

I was hoping to find stats, numbers, and emotions from each of my runs. I know that I ran a lot... my log books tell a different story. Or rather - they don't tell a story at all.

I read through one entry from the 2003-4 tlogbook. It really got me.

"I ran a half marathon Sunday. Set a PR. I hope that this will give
me the strength and passion I will need to start taking my training seriously...
whole-heartedly. I really want to run those 3 marathons next year."

I busted out laughing at the sight of those words. And then I thought.. what in blazing heck was I thinking? I was grasping for straws even back then. My journey, I have come to realize, has been just as much about the running as it has been about finding inner peace with it so I can really put my heart into it.

I was so lacking passion and direction... even back then

I realize now that I have grown by leaps and bounds. On more than one occasion I had contemplated giving up running, but after 8 months off each time, I was itching to get back out there.

Running is as much a part of me as is my personality, my physical features, my identity. I cannot give up on it, because doing so would literally be me giving up a part of me. And to what end?

My question to myself is why did I not learn from that PR setting half and really give my all to my training? Why, 2 or 3 years later, am I still saying those same words?

Well truth be told I am not saying those words anymore as I have found a way to cope with my running, as well as I have found the passion to move on, and to get serious about my training.
But how come I did not really learn from all that back then? And why did I forget that cry out for passion?

My theory is that I had to learn a few more lessons. And I have done that. Trial and error may have been the method, but the result has been nothing less than amazing.

I am well aware now of what I was missing back then. I was missing the freedom to be able to sacrifice. You heard me. The freedom to say nope - can't go - I have a 20 miler in the morning I need to be fresh for.

In the back of my mind I was always doubting myself because I was not as fast or could not endure the mileage like those around me. I cheated myself out of those miles by setting myself up for failure.

Damn me.

But what has changed is my mindset. I now have the freedom to say no. To say yes. To watch what I put in my mouth as well as what is coming out of it. I have grabbed myself by those cute pink-tipped horns and have made myself stop bitching and moaning about how I wish I were, and work to be come who I know I am.

I am a runner.

I am not a biker, a triathlete, nor a duathlete (yet). I am a runner. I am happy being a runner. I find challenge in my running. I am finding challenge in myself.

I am glad that all these years later it took not a PR to set me straight, but rather years of both failures and successes to really make me hone in on who I am.
Now if only I could get back into the habit of really writing in my running logs. The me of 4 years from now will be quite interested in what I have to say!


¸.· ¸.·*´¨ ;) ¸.·*¨)

(¸.·´ (¸.·*RunnerGirl*

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