I call this my "steak in the ground" moment. I put down the steak and live with the choices I make - however there often come with that a fear of the unknown. A fear of failure *gasp* A fear of success. A fear of actually sacrificing to make it work.
So here is the little inner dialogue I recently had with myself as i set forth my new goal of 20lbs additional by my b-day.
Come on girl! You can so do this!!!! What is your excuse this time?
Sorry... errrrnt... wrong. Not an option chica.
Shut up shuttin' up and just freaking DO it already.
I like seeing the body I am developing and that in itself should be all the motivation I need, right? However I STILL have this freaking fear of success. I am almost afraid of commiting to the goal. I know - sounds rediculous, and obviously I want this bad enough if I am spending both time and money on loosing weight and getting stronger and healthy.
I am just afraid that everyone thinks that I will fail, so what will they think if I succeed. This is one fear that I can do without.
So - I did something about it. I read something Friday on Little Miss Runnerpants' blog that really jolted me awake. In it I think I have found the answer to my fears.
Read this and let me know if this answers any questions for you as well, because friends, this was my wake-up call. And it is my new mantra... well it is a little long for a mantra... so this is my new philosophy.
Live the lifestyle instead of paying lip service to the lifestyle. Live
with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly.
Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of different
things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one
thing; accept, without casuistry, the responsibility of making a choice. When
you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your
thoughts from your actions.
Tell the truth. First, to yourself. Say it until it hurts. Learn the
reality of your own selfishness. Quit living for other people at the expense of
your own self, you're not really alive. You live in the land of denial - and
they say the view is pretty a long as you remain asleep.
Well it's time to WAKE THE %% UP!
So do it. Wake up. When you drink the coffee tomorrow, take it black
and notice it. Feel the caffeine surge through you. ...finish it, and walk away,
forward. Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning. Only your best
effort matters. Life is a Meritocracy, with death as the auditor. Inconsistency,
incompetence and lies are all cut short by that final word. Death will change
you if you can't change yourself.
-Mark Twight, "Twitching"
So this is how it is going to be for me from now on. I am a runner. I am a woman. I am a girlfriend, a daughter, and a friend. I am an employee. I am a student. I am an artist. And the one thing that I can do that will make me better at all of these things... is to wake up, and make that choice.
And my choice is to shut up and do it. I AM going to make my goals, or at least know that I worked towards them. I am NOT going to talk and talk and talk about how I wish I were... I am going to BE the person I want to be. No more excuses. No more fears. Failure is NOT an option at this time.
Because if I fail - it only... hurts.... me.
And why would I want to do that?