I am in the middle of the most emotional week I have had in... oh... say ever.
Talking about it has helped a lot... but I think that I need to get back into my therapy. And by therapy.. I mean training.
When I train, I am always out running. And I am happy. in fact, when I have trained for my races, I have been the happiest ever.
Running calms me. It gives to me a blank canvas measured in miles, on which I paint the pictures of what is going through my head. I have worked out relationship issues, friendship building activities, work and school stresses, as well as general daydreaming.
On my runs I sink into the groove, set my iPod on play, and go. I cry, think, laugh, and pray. Running has become my church. I contemplate everything wrong and right in this world, as I see it mind you, and piece together the next few stops on the journey I am on.
I have never been able to stress this more as I am right now... but my journey of 13.1 miles, is not soley about my running. It is about my life. Each step towards my goals is like another sentence written in the book of Jenn.
I learn from my mistakes, I often reflect back on past runs and past feelings, not re-hash harder feelings, or bad times, but to learn from them and to gage how far I have come emotionally as well as physically.
Life is not just an open book with pages yet to be written. Life is also about the fine editing skills, and seeing a continuity - that common thread - that will make you want to keep reading.
I have hurt people in my life. I have been hurt in my life. I have struggled, and I have been blessed. I have yearned for things, and I have earned things. I have been gifted with health, as much as I have at least, and I am working to sustain that level, and make it better.
I am not a believer in self-importance. I do not run to make people wish they could, or to think that I am better than a non-runner. Have you seen my times? Trust me, I am no Kenyan. But the speed and the endurance is not what matters to me.
I run to find my inner peace.
So now that I have a lot more on my mind - school, work, mom, health, trips, you know the typical life stuff - I need to find my groove again.
So to meet those ends, I will be running in the AM - starting in on my training for the half in August - then doing strength training in the evening with Mike.
Forget getting into work early - I need to run in the morning. And when I do run in the morning, my day seems to be so much more manageable. I can clear my head and start the days off right. Then if something happens and I miss an evening at the gym, at least I got in my running time.
I am enjoying the new strength training workouts Mike and I are doing. So far so good on that end. It is nice having someone at the gym to workout with, to cheer on, to get support from.
So in order to not be there for hours, running the distances that I will be running coming up shortly - I now know that I will have to split up my regimen. And that is fine with me!
The mornings in my neighborhood are wonderful! I mean it! They are absolutely breathtaking.
I start my run often before the sun rises. As the sun rises, I see it start to peek through the wooded area, and nature trails we have interwoven in our complex. There is nothing more amazing than the smell and sight of dew in the morning.
Seeing the world wake up is a great thing - it means life. It means blessings... the blessing of being able to enjoy this for another day. It means another blank canvas to paint thoughts anew.
I am on a journey... and it is looking like it is going to have a few more bumps in the road. But I am prepared, and willing ot take on the challenge head on.
Therapy is in session.